You would think there couldn't be a holiday that made me more bitter then Mother's day, but Father's day takes the cake. At least with my mom she has never been a big part of my life, I had my Aunts and my Nanny to fill the gap....but my Dad I knew him,I got to watch him destroy his life.I have good memories of him, late night pizza ,watching wrestling, and South Park, my light up sneakers, and my first Super Soaker. The problem comes as I'm not sure if those memories outweigh the bad, I'm pretty sure they do not. I will not get into those details, because I doubt the ability of my emotions to hold up, pregnancy really has done a number on my emotional walls. I miss my Grand pop today, he was a good guy, didn't do a bad job, I'm grateful to have had one man show me not all dads suck, saving me from some of my daddy issues I suppose.
Think that I'll do something nice for my own baby daddy today, he's not perfect but He already treats Riley like a princess, and he haven't even met her yet. I knew he would since he treats me like a queen.
Just felt I'd get all these feelings out, before the rest of the house wakes up.....
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Baby Faces, and other things
Apparently, somewhere in this is my baby girl's face, I can sort of see it... My love says "just use your imagination" but mostly I find it kind of creepy...adorable but creepy. Our second try at her anatomy scan went better then the first, but we're still missing parts of her head,so we get to go back for scan number three. I don't mind getting an ultrasound once a mouth, as long as they keep finding she's doing well, and just being suborn. It was really cute how they would try to scan the back of her head, and she would snuggle down as to say "Leave me alone it's nap time!" Reminded me waking Daddy up to go to work.
I love feeling her move ! Her kicks are getting stronger, and more frequent; it's a feeling I don't think I'll ever get over being startled by. Tonight, I was watching TV and had my cell phone laying on my belly, and it started bouncing. I'm kind of sad I was the only one to see it, it was an amazing moment for me.
Mothers day just passed, I tried to contact bio mom, but she seems to have diapered, again. She left me a comment , on Facebook about a month ago, when I found out Riley was a girl saying "Congratulations, You'll be a great mom." It took a lot of effort not to reply "Better then you." I don't know why I feel I need to have lower expectations of her , then I do of other people simply because she gave birth to me. Another person would hurt me like she has, I'd never talk to them again....oh well enough of that ...Whatever...Sari
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Pregnancy, the only time a turkey sanwich makes you guilty.
Today, I ate a turkey sandwich. I feel kinda bad about it, but it was so freaking good. The turkey was fresh and I heated it up a bit, so I'm sure it was fine to consume. I had turkey, and ham for at least 5 weeks before knowing I was pregnent, and another few weeks, before someone warned me about eating it. So today at my half way mark I ate a freaking turkey sandwich!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Apple slices and Nutella.....
What I last munched on seemed like a good title for today's post.
My emotional health is not doing great, and I fear it may have negative affects on Riley. I don't know if my feelings are coming from hormones, or if they come from my own issues with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. I was on a few different medicines,before pregnancy. That is another thing that worries me, because I was still taking them for about 5 weeks, before I knew I was pregnant. I don't really feel depressed like I did when I was off my medications before: I'm happy, I'm looking forward to raising a baby with the guy I love, I worry about how we will do, and money, but those seem normal. I have no thoughts of cutting, or any self harm for the first time in my life I'm actully looking forward to tomorrow. It's just, I'm so tired, all the time, I'm sleeping what feels like too much, I don't feel like doing anything, my house hold duties are slacking, I lay in bed, eat,pee and go back to bed most days. I thought the 2nd trimester was going to bring my energy back, but most days it's still gone. I don't ever try to contact other people, but I'm kind of lonely while boyface is at work, or sleeping. I don't feel like I have any friends anymore, and I don't know how I feel about that. I don't really want to be around the few people I was friends with, because they are only interested in activities that I'm not partaking in anymore. How do you make new friends when you are a socially awkward penguin? On top of that, everything makes me cry, that much crying can't be good for Riley....::Sight::
Whatever
*Sunshine*
My emotional health is not doing great, and I fear it may have negative affects on Riley. I don't know if my feelings are coming from hormones, or if they come from my own issues with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. I was on a few different medicines,before pregnancy. That is another thing that worries me, because I was still taking them for about 5 weeks, before I knew I was pregnant. I don't really feel depressed like I did when I was off my medications before: I'm happy, I'm looking forward to raising a baby with the guy I love, I worry about how we will do, and money, but those seem normal. I have no thoughts of cutting, or any self harm for the first time in my life I'm actully looking forward to tomorrow. It's just, I'm so tired, all the time, I'm sleeping what feels like too much, I don't feel like doing anything, my house hold duties are slacking, I lay in bed, eat,pee and go back to bed most days. I thought the 2nd trimester was going to bring my energy back, but most days it's still gone. I don't ever try to contact other people, but I'm kind of lonely while boyface is at work, or sleeping. I don't feel like I have any friends anymore, and I don't know how I feel about that. I don't really want to be around the few people I was friends with, because they are only interested in activities that I'm not partaking in anymore. How do you make new friends when you are a socially awkward penguin? On top of that, everything makes me cry, that much crying can't be good for Riley....::Sight::
Whatever
*Sunshine*
Monday, April 16, 2012
Lazy Riley, and a moody boyface
I had my anatomy scan today, the little one is a girl,Riley Ann will be her name! She was very lazy, as I was poked at, apparently she decided to nap while doing a head stand nestling her face down in my pelvic area and just being all around difficult to get pictures of. The bonus to this? I get another anatomy scan in 4 weeks, and what the tech could see, looked healthy perfect size and weight. I like to think she knew what she was doing and just wanted me to see her again soon.
Joey and I were very happy until we got to the car, and my aunt posted to Facebook it was a girl, I was upset because there were some people I wanted to tell more personally then a Facebook wall post, and I know Joey's mom would be upset if we didn't call her and she read it on facebook. I had to call his mom and asked him twice to mention the plan for the baby shower and he didn't. That led to me being upset again and my aunt taking it upon herself to lecture him on why he needed to say something to her, and him not understanding why it was a big deal. It's not really but I know his mom and didn't want her to plan a shower when I've already been working on it. He didn't talk to me for the ride home when my aunt dropped us off we got in this stupid fight, a he ended up saying he felt left out and not respected.. when it cane to "his fucking baby". So after all that we finally talked I told him how it is, When it comes to Riley it's me and him deciding things yes other people are going to throw their opinion at us, but I don't care what they say he needs to jump on the train. He felt better then I felt better, and we're all smiles and junk again. I'm laying in bed now typing this on my phone, so excuse the errors. Riley seems to be having a dance party on my bladder, and Joey is asleep behind me. All is well.
Cheers
Sari
Joey and I were very happy until we got to the car, and my aunt posted to Facebook it was a girl, I was upset because there were some people I wanted to tell more personally then a Facebook wall post, and I know Joey's mom would be upset if we didn't call her and she read it on facebook. I had to call his mom and asked him twice to mention the plan for the baby shower and he didn't. That led to me being upset again and my aunt taking it upon herself to lecture him on why he needed to say something to her, and him not understanding why it was a big deal. It's not really but I know his mom and didn't want her to plan a shower when I've already been working on it. He didn't talk to me for the ride home when my aunt dropped us off we got in this stupid fight, a he ended up saying he felt left out and not respected.. when it cane to "his fucking baby". So after all that we finally talked I told him how it is, When it comes to Riley it's me and him deciding things yes other people are going to throw their opinion at us, but I don't care what they say he needs to jump on the train. He felt better then I felt better, and we're all smiles and junk again. I'm laying in bed now typing this on my phone, so excuse the errors. Riley seems to be having a dance party on my bladder, and Joey is asleep behind me. All is well.
Cheers
Sari
Sunday, April 15, 2012
18 week, babyupdate
So the first trimester is a behind me, and I'm starting to feel like me again....a rounder, more exhausted me, but it's better then the me living in the bathroom sleeping 16 hours a day me.
I feel like I'm going to get so fat,because right now all I want to do is eat like today,what I ate: 3 Clementine oranges, 2 bananas, a bowl of Lucky Charms , a 6oz bag of trail mix, baked ziti, carrot cake, 3 real fruit ice pops, an orange sherbet cream pop, two slices of pizza, and a pack of blueberry pop tarts. I guess that's not so bad spaced out in the day, but I'm use to eating one meal a day. I'm trying just to be happy I can eat more then oatmeal, and not think about weight I'm going to put back on. I lost 60lbs once, I can do it again, I've only gained 10lbs in 18 weeks, but most of that has been over the past month, I keep telling myself some of it is baby, a lot of it is bloating worry about dieting when the baby is here. I wish I could have dropped another 40 lbs before my ovulation cycle decided to work, but I don't make the rules with PCOS.
In about 10 hours I have an OB appointment, and if my duckling is cooperative, I'll find out boy or girl, I've never been so excited for a doctor appointment. I truly don't care about the sex of the baby, all I want is a healthy baby, but I'd like to know for shopping, and names.
That's all I've got for now, it's about 1:30Am and all I can think of is sleep.
Cheers
Sari
It's about time I joined blogger....
as if I don't have 15 accounts on various sites, with blogs that lack updates.
This blog is special though, because this blog was started while pregnent! I'm not entirely convinced the baby is not some sort of crazy parasite, as I've never thrown up so much in my entire life, and I've spent a lot of time throwing up, but that's a story for another time. Intended for the blog to be about what's going on in my life, from baby updates- to the crazy things I think sometime.
Any who, I suppose introductions are called for, since currently there is not much going on in my profile information. I am obviously Sari Sunshine, well Sarah Sunshine, what can I say mommy dearest is a hippie. I live a pretty boring life currently. I don't have very many real life friends, most of my communication is done via Facebook. I'd like to blame that on anxiety, and I can to a point, but it's mostly me not putting in effort into actually seeking out other people. When I found out I was pregnant, the most of the people I did spend time with seemed to drift away. I suppose that's what happens when you give up: tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana in favor of: all day morning sickness, baby blogs, and napping.. I love to cook, and bake, reading, writing, music, and other things I can't think of.
Family
Firstly comes my fiance, my boy face, my baby daddy, my Joey. I love him simple as that. I could say a lot on the subject of love, and my feelings on it, but I simply don't have the time. Joey and I we just fit, I don't know how or why, I just know we do, and for that I'm most grateful. There are days when we fight, and I think it maybe the end of Sarah-Joe, but 4 years in, we're doing pretty good.
Then comes my Grandmother, who is my best friend, my mother, and occasionally my bank, or employer. I owe her my life.
My Aunt Jill or Mommy Jill as I so called her.
Then come my sisters Rachel and Amber, who of my six siblings are the only ones I really know at all, though we've only known each other for 2 years, I love them like we grew up together, and getting us together is one of the few things my mother actually got right with us.
My feelings on my mom are not always very positive, she's not a good mother she tries, and I give her an A for effort, but otherwise she fails.
My feelings on my father are much the same, but since he pretty much killed himself when I was 15...yeah.
My other babies Mimosa Malfoy, Kinja Capone, and Puss, my fluffy silly cats.
Okay that's all for now.
Cheers
Sari*
This blog is special though, because this blog was started while pregnent! I'm not entirely convinced the baby is not some sort of crazy parasite, as I've never thrown up so much in my entire life, and I've spent a lot of time throwing up, but that's a story for another time. Intended for the blog to be about what's going on in my life, from baby updates- to the crazy things I think sometime.
Any who, I suppose introductions are called for, since currently there is not much going on in my profile information. I am obviously Sari Sunshine, well Sarah Sunshine, what can I say mommy dearest is a hippie. I live a pretty boring life currently. I don't have very many real life friends, most of my communication is done via Facebook. I'd like to blame that on anxiety, and I can to a point, but it's mostly me not putting in effort into actually seeking out other people. When I found out I was pregnant, the most of the people I did spend time with seemed to drift away. I suppose that's what happens when you give up: tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana in favor of: all day morning sickness, baby blogs, and napping.. I love to cook, and bake, reading, writing, music, and other things I can't think of.
Family
Firstly comes my fiance, my boy face, my baby daddy, my Joey. I love him simple as that. I could say a lot on the subject of love, and my feelings on it, but I simply don't have the time. Joey and I we just fit, I don't know how or why, I just know we do, and for that I'm most grateful. There are days when we fight, and I think it maybe the end of Sarah-Joe, but 4 years in, we're doing pretty good.
Then comes my Grandmother, who is my best friend, my mother, and occasionally my bank, or employer. I owe her my life.
My Aunt Jill or Mommy Jill as I so called her.
Then come my sisters Rachel and Amber, who of my six siblings are the only ones I really know at all, though we've only known each other for 2 years, I love them like we grew up together, and getting us together is one of the few things my mother actually got right with us.
My feelings on my mom are not always very positive, she's not a good mother she tries, and I give her an A for effort, but otherwise she fails.
My feelings on my father are much the same, but since he pretty much killed himself when I was 15...yeah.
My other babies Mimosa Malfoy, Kinja Capone, and Puss, my fluffy silly cats.
Okay that's all for now.
Cheers
Sari*
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